this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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