I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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