So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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