When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
