he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
