Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
