we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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