Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
