the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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