fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
