He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Randomize
