You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
