Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Randomize
