He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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