If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
