I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
