I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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