I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Randomize