Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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