I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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