Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize