If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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