ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
