The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
