Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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