just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
