I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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