What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
