P.S. I can't hear my feet
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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