How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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