sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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