She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
