i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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