ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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