I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
