Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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