The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
