I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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