Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
