i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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