wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize