So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize