meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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