I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
my being single is dangerous.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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