so explain again why im purple
no
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize