the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
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