If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Vodka?
Forever.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
