I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
