Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
