She is in my trunk
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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