I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
