please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
