I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
