The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
