and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
