Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
