I wish my penis had an off switch
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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