Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
