I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Randomize
