Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
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