I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
