apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
