I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
