now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
