did you get engaged???
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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