WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
