It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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